its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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