thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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