The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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