I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
