2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He better not be in your backpack
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
