fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
