Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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