I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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