I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
