so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish you could order shots online.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
