remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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