On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
