I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
