I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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