you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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