Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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