This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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