Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
