I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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