I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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