i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
