I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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