I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
