I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My vagina just recognized that song.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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