I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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