grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
