i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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