it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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