We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
