Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
