Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
