Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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