i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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