yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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