There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
