First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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