The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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