I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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