what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
