from now on my penis is your penis
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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