she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
