Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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