problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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