i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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