She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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