he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
