I have demons in me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
A+ Viking dick
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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