i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
