I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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