I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
