I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize