I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
