i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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