If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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