We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
