I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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