I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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