She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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