my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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