I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
