When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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