I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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