I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
