I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
