im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
