best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize